LAUNCHING SOON !
JON-TV

Yes, launching soon, 11 exciting new interactive digital Pay-to-view channels on Free-view.

Outstanding interactive features !

You're probably not really trying to watch the program, so here's some flag waving and advertising.			You're probably not really trying to watch the program, so why not press a button?
We assume our viewers are too stupid to know which channel they are watching so need constant reminding (except during adverts)			Leading egde digital image quality, optimised for the latest generation of LCD televisions
Hmmm .. since we pinched all the other ideas from other companies we thought we'd better have at least one original feature. Black bars top and bottom pay homage to the beginnings of TV by leaving even less actual picture lines than when TV started in 1936. Hang on a mo ... DOH ! We've been beaten to that too!		You're probably not really trying to watch the program so how about the next program ?

An outstanding selection of eleven channels !

	Throw-away TV for the intellectually challenged.			Continuous repeats of Only Fools and Horses.
	Cooking, auctions, auctions, motoring, cooking and programs repeated from other channels			Documentaries without any real substance.
	Leading edge reality TV and rarely seen american imports.			Occasional snippets of films.
	JTV4 repeated the next day			History - provided it's about war
	The channel for today's Kool Kidz			Continuous repeats from talentless manufactured bands.

Here's just a small selection of whats on !

18:00-18:30 Opening Bid A bunch of unknown people drag some boring worthless shyte out of their loft and try to hide their dissapointment at the items value. Presented by this weeks celebrity expert who goes on to illustrate just how little they actually know. 18:30-19:00 Westendneighbourdale Street A previously unknown close relative returns and moves in with their parent's next door neighbour's third cousin, causing lots of shouting and talk of faaamerlees. Meantime, Sheila moves into the pub, leaving the flat she only moved into 2 weeks ago, causing a lot of shouting and mean looks. Meantime there is excitement in the street when Wellsoft the poodle poops on the pavement - causing everyone to start shouting, go to the pub, shout some more and start talking about faaamerlees. 19:00-19:30 Working Day Cameras follow a nobody you'll never have seen before going about there boring average day job unblocking drains. 19:30-20:00 Home Sweet Home This week a couple of parasites who work in the financial sector try to to find a garden shed in London for under £500,000. After viewing many sheds, they finally find the perfect shed, whereupon a bunch of witless designers turn up and trash the place. 20:00-21:00 Lottery Draw Live An entire hour spent picking 7 numbered balls at random out of a box. 21:00-21:30 DI-Why ? A couple bring in the experts after their new pad has been trashed. The experts show how to generally lark about like a bunch of muppets whilst protecting the audiance from learning any practical tips. 21:30-22:00 Under the Hammer Sit through a live auction as a couple try to sell their shed.

06:00 - 18:00 RealTV Live coverage from the portaloo 18:00 - 18:30 Friends (Repeat) 18:30 - 19:00 Friends (Repeat) 19:00 - 19:30 Friends (Repeat) 19:30 - 20:00 Friends (Repeat) 20:00 - 20:00 plus 10 seconds RealTV -Highlights   20:00 - 22:00 Friends (repeated from 18:00 - 20:00)

21:00 - 21:30 FILM: The Day the Bombs Fell. An appocolyptic horror movie following the events leading up to and following a nuclear holocaust caused by a dumb US president watching TV and following the on-screen instructions to press the red button. 21:30 - 22:00 News Update. Roundup of people shooting, invading and starving. 22:00 - 23:00 FILM: The Day the Bombs Fell. [Continued] 23:00 - 23:30 Movie Update. A half hour advert, thinly disguised as a behind-the-scenes documentary, about the forthcoming Harry Potter film "Harry Potter - They Burn Witches Don't They?". 23:30 - 00:30 FILM: The Day the Bombs Fell. [Continued] 00:30 - 01:30 FILM: Life on the Dole. A drama following an overweight couch potato who looses their job after spending too many late nights watching films on the telly. 01:30 - 02:00 Movie Update.Repeat half hour advert for the forthcoming Harry Potter film "Harry Potter - They Burn Witches Don't They?". 02:00 - 04:00 Top 50 Films. 3 second snippets of the 50 top films, intersperesed with lots and lots and lots of nobodies talking on and on about them. Way cheaper than actually showing the films themselves. 04:00 - 05:00 FILM: Life on the Dole [Continued]

22:00-23:00 Equirizon : E = MC² An in-depth and informative documentary on Einstine's famous equation. To quote Dr. Knowfek, "E=MC² ? E=MC² ?Oh yes, E=MC², thats like really really complicated". Dr. Fruitcasebutzemfanger goes on to say "E=MC²? E=MC², Zis is a difficult subject iz E=MC². Like you need to be really really clever. Stuff like blows up and stuff like E=MC²". Meantime, the british expert on E=MC², professor Yawn (head of media studies) adds "E=MC² ? Explains a lot of things about the universe. Just ask Dr. Knowfek about E=MC²". [Disclaimer : Any similarity between this program and one broadcast by the BBC/ITV earlier this year is purely coincidental.]

NEW ! COMPETITION CORNER

Caption Competition : Todays pictures are from the latest
film to be ruined, "The Wrong Arm of the Law"

Chappy : Copper :	"F****** Graffiti !" "Yes sir, indeed sir."	Peter Sellers :	"That's a nasty tattoo you got there"